


A collection of thoughts

by wanderingthroughtthenight



Category: Original Work
Genre: Emotional, Sad, angry, do you think I need a therapist?, sneak peak of what goes on in my mind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:15:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28012251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderingthroughtthenight/pseuds/wanderingthroughtthenight
Summary: These are just a few things I wrote that I do not want to abandon in my google docsThey are on a bunch of different topics, most of them it's me being sad because I lost my chance to love so...Feel free to use them, if you want, just let me know! Thanks!Disclaimer: English is not my first language, sorry if there are any mistakes.





	1. 22/03/2020 quarantine

It feels like a dream

out of school but still with hours and hours of homework to do

more chances of procrastinating

done that from day one

my parents always at home

i don’t do shit

i eat (less than I used to, but still a lot for not doing anything )

my teachers hopeless with computers

i try to do good

i can’t do shit

I’m gonna fail C1

me and my struggle with speaking 

and that’s on social anxiety

just kidding

my use of english makes me laugh (cause i can’t cry)

i still don’t want to go outside

i still like girls (maybe boys..)

not the worst 

not the best

kinda in the middle

like my life

not that mess

not that entertaining

not white 

not black 

just gray

not christian gay

miss me with that kink shit

but kick it

because donghyuck is the sun

and i wanted to go to the beach

matthew stop with that guitar

you make me miss summer days

******* days

when i was a kid

and animators would go outside and play

just because

i want to go back to that days

even if i was socially awkard 

(spoiler: I’m still like that)

just want to take my life in my own hand

just want this to be over

just want to stop being the perfect girl

just want to stop pretending

just want to do what the fuck i want

even if i don’t know shit

really have to stop being emotionless

and than being thrown out of the window from those

too hard to aknowledge

too hard to see

not a complete failure

not the perfect one

in the middle 

always has been

always will be

middle name

middle grades

middle size

middle talent

just middle.


	2. 22/03/2020 shut up karen

tired of all this bullshit

just shut up karen

no one want to know how that guy fucked you

but i need to take a hit

like a syren

blurring into something you don’t want to see

let me go let me go

the freedom is sweet like honey

you quite taste the same

even if i haven’t tasted you yet

murdering someone is not that difficult

just have to think about it

and make sure Annalise Keating is your lawyer

like snowflakes we dance in the night

when it's too cold to go outside

and I don’t care about anything

same as when I’m drunk

a body with no consciousness

the little left just enough for not waking up my parents

i should scream

i should go at the top of the cliff

watching under me the sea

and scream on top of my lung

only way to feel alive

in this life that seems too long 

in this city with no one around

just the virus

because we all follow the rules

for once

teenagers are at home

netflix and spotify my only friends

discovering old songs is cool

until you go back to memories

and than shit happens

until i stumble upon *****

and than I’m crying

out of joy

out of anger

out of sadness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is mostly a rant, sorry, I do not see any sense.


	3. 22/03/2020 mujeres

es posible

no te quiero

pero tu me quieres

sorry chico

me gustan las mujeres

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> extremely short, but you get the point


	4. 03/04/2020 women

let’s talk about women

fucking women 

and what they do for you

do i have to say all that

‘cause if i have to

we’re gonna stay here a few decades

just saying 

i mean

it’s not like you haven’t disrespected them all

what’s that shit on the internet

i have a cute face? yes

you can touch yourself with that photo?

fucking no

you are the little bitch

not me

not that pretty face

not your sister

not your daughter

c'mon, we are women

it’s not like we haven’t fought for our rights

with all the men that fought with us

you should be one of them

and instead

what do you do

can’t even say that 

i want to make you feel dirty

the same dirty i felt watching those screenshot

do you think it’s funny

do you think it’s endearing

well, it’s not

not for me

not for that pretty face

not for your sister

not for your daughter

I’m not gonna accept that

what the fuck is porn revenge

i left you? yes

does that mean that you can do what you want?

fucking no

why can’t we be seen as human? 

what is so wrong with us?

we show too much skin? 

don’t watch

you don’t know how?

not my fucking problem, find a solution

and don’t bother me with it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was SO mad when I wrote this, but I am speaking facts  
> Also, this has not happened to me but I still think it's disgusting, porn revenge is literally the dumbest thing that you could do.


	5. 30/11/2020 summer '19

Summer ‘19 feels like a fever dream

I should have kissed you

the morning after the party

after that guy I told you about

after you told me he was a baby

You should have kissed me

the night of the party

before I told you I liked him

before you asked our friends if you could kiss me

I was wondering

what if we did what we wanted

what if we never met

I was lost after I understood

I didn’t know what to do

I got it out of my system 

at another party

same crowd

but not you

you weren’t there

you were already gone

I lost you in seconds

fucking seconds

and now I’m too much of a coward

too scared you already have someone else

well, you probably have

another summer has passed

I have missed you

I tried hanging out with you

I think you know 

and it’s okay

I get it now

Thank you for helping me understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just me being sad that, for just a few seconds, my crush didn't kiss me. Yep, just that.  
> Keep in mind that I am young and she was the first woman I felt attracted to. So, kind of a big thing for me.


	6. 30/11/2020 coming out

Why do we have to come out

who the fuck told us

i am not coming out

but at the same time

i want to

but what will they say

what will they think

i like girls

i like boys

isn’t it the same?

Should I be scared

I don’t know

I know nothing these days

I play sweater weather until it’s really that time of the year

What if I’m wrong? 

What if I don’t like girls?

What if I don’t like boys?

My pronouns are all right, I suppose

I really hope my children will not have to deal with this

I want to come out

but in the end who cares?

maybe I just want attention

maybe it’s just what I have always wanted

And this one is just a rollercoaster of emotion

hell I hope I get famous

just so that I can bore some kids in english class

and inspire the few chosen ones

and I’m watching you teacher

if you dare even say

“She had a best friend with whom she lived a lot of her life”

It was my girlfriend

stupid

not you

or maybe yes

you

me

the kids in the english class

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had a conversation with one of my closest friend and I just wanted to get this thoughts out of my system, my mind.  
> And the part of me being famous is really not true, I mean, I don't have the patience to write a full book.


	7. 30/11/2020 side character

I have always been the side character

I am comfortable being that

usually

sometimes I want to be the main character

maybe I am

just not now

maybe in a few year

I have a main character friend

she is the definition

funny

beautiful

friendly

unproblematic

kinda rich 

she has it all

and I love her

she is a good friend

she smokes

she drinks

she parties

she has a lot of boys

she is everything I wanted from my teenage years

but maybe it’s just not for me

not now

I smoke too, sometimes

well, maybe not a lot of times

it has been 10 months since I touched a cigarette

no wait

I smoked half at the start of the summer

(my friend was too wasted

had to help her)

I drink

and I can handle it well

still, it has been a lot

yesterday I tried a Radler

c’mon a Radler

too bitter

what a pussy I am

I don’t do parties

I don’t like them

all those bodies squished together

thank you, next

Really bad with boys

I can try with girls

I know

I am just hopeless

and a scorpio

I said enough

Not the main character

Still, the side character are my favorites

They really are

I am not joking 

stop laughing you fool

(glad I made you smile)

whatever

go and drink something

NOT talking about alcoholics

NOT about sodas

water honey, water

Till the next evening I am inspired

So next years, May 

bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do not misunderstand my words, I really really love my friend, not in a romantical way. She is, actually, extremely nice and does not push me if I don't want to do the same things that she does.  
> The last two rows refer to the fact that I am not constant with writing, I don't know if you noticed but the dates in the names of the chapters are when I wrote them, I usually write in the night.


	8. 11/12/2020 handwritten text

I found a text from you

an actual text handwritten

on a fucking piece of paper

who does that anymore?

anyway

I found it

You said I was a raw diamond

I remember when you wrote that

I was a baby

gosh, such a baby

no confidence whatsoever

a year later I was falling for you

tell me I’m stupid

because I really am

but that made me smile

It has been more than a year and a half

I’m eighteen now

the same age that didn’t want to come

I’m eighteen now

and nothing has changed

how weird is life 

how weird is time

that really doesn’t make any sense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same girl from before, she wrote me this a year before all that chaos happened and... it made me sad but also grateful at the same time.
> 
> Why do I feel so light now?


	9. 14/02/2021 Valentine's day

We should go on a trip on valentine’s day  
Just to show the world it's just another day


End file.
